Saturday, February 11, 2012

The Most Special Kiss I Have Ever Had

I have been contemplating this post for a very long time and as I begin to write, I am not even sure whether I will ever publish it. 

The reason why this is a difficult thing to write about is because it is extremely personal and intimate and will surelycause me pain to put into words.  I am aware that it will probably cause pain to some of you reading this who have experienced something similar or who are close to someone who has. I have prayed about this and whether I should write it and my final decision was made when I asked my very wise husband, who this also affects, what I should do. He said he thinks enough time has passed and it is a story which should be told.

So I think the time has come to witness to something I saw with my own eyes and which is forever branded in my heart.  I will never forget what I saw.   

I am so very sorry if this brings you pain.

This last two days I have been drawn into a debate on Twitter with some people who are of the opinion that to revere life at it's earliest stages is something zany, unreasonable and worthy of attack and insult.  Also just this week a major world player has announced open season on these little people.  My little story is not going to have a profound impact on the world stage, but it is my story and the story of someone who passed this way, if only for a brief while.

  Here is the tale of a little person who was someone.

1999:  I was pregnant with my third child, having already given birth to two cute little girls and miscarried another pregnancy which had never progressed much beyond implantation.  That miscarriage had knocked a lot out of me because I, like everyone else, never thought it would happen to me. Well it did happen but after a healthy baby a year later, I figured my brush with miscarriage was just that-a one-off bit of bad luck.

I was so happy to discover this baby was on the way because it was going to be the first baby whose Daddy wasn't a student (we had married when J was less than half way through Medical School and had our second baby only eight weeks before his final exams!! We were very young and nothing daunted us then!). Well anyway, we were so very very happy.

And then, on a beautiful sunny day in April, when our south facing garden was filled with the fresh hope of Spring, with the onset of pain and the stark sight of bright red on white cotton we realised our little baby hadn't made it.

I am not going to describe those terrible few days of physical and heartfelt pain and grief, I want to tell you something much more beautiful.

My sister was in my house with me when we had the honour of witnessing something which not everybody ever gets to see.  A little baby of six weeks gestation was delivered into this world having lived and clearly just recently died in the loving and hidden  embrace of it's mother's womb.  My older sister and I were both filled with sorrow and grief and pity for this life which was so short but it is very very strange...you can feel two completely different things at the same time.  I was overwhelmed at the honour of seeing with my eyes the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.  There was a little fluid filled 'ball' about the size of a marble, still rigid as if protecting what lay inside.  The ball was translucent and inside as though paused in time was this:


Now the utterly amazing thing was how so very small this baby was, I will always remember it was the exact size of my little fingernail.  The baby was six weeks gestation and perfectly formed and clearly could not be recognised as anything other than a human baby.  The shape was that of a baby, the embryonic tail gone by now.  Two tiny stick like arms stuck out with ball-like tips patterned with faint indentations which had been destined to form fingers. The little legs were something similar but looked more like miniature oars.  Through the filigree chest a tiny heart was nestled, perfectly placed.  The baby's Disney-like top heavy head was bowed forward as though in reverence and a little eye bud on each side like tiny commas.

It was utterly, utterly beautiful.

All this hidden away and formed in just six weeks!!

(The age which my friends on Twitter and elsewhere were calling a clump of cells).

I thanked God for allowing me to see something so very beautiful, and all of this while at the same time another me was filled with a mother's grief for her little child.

Not long afterwards my husband came home and it was then my husband and I experienced the most beautiful kiss either of us have ever had.  We released our little baby from it's amniotic cradle and each of us gave it the only kiss it would ever receive from it's Mommy and Daddy.



We didn't know what was the right thing to do.  Here was a human remains, made in God's image and likeness, deserving of the respect of any person destined for Heaven. so we telephoned a very saintly priest we knew for some advice. He told us nobody had ever asked him this before but he thought we should give the baby Baptism of desire and prayerfully place the precious remains in a family grave if there was one we could use.

That evening we cut a little piece of lace from my wedding veil and wrapped the baby tenderly in it, kept warm and cosy with a little cotton wool.  We placed the 'package' into the velvet box which had held my engagement ring along with a very tiny crucifix.

We 'waked' the baby overnight beside our bed with a candle and a sprig of the flowering currant shrub which was in full bloom in our garden at that time.


I was filled with tender peace that night and I really think my little son or daughter, now enjoying the Beatific Vision was sending me consolation from Heaven.

How can anybody deny little babies life?

I do not know.


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21 comments:

  1. Thank you for sharing your story with us. Once again you have shown us why you are very very special friends and loving parents.

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  2. My dear Jennifer you truely are a very special woman & a very strong one at that,you told this very sad story beautifully & make us realise that life is very precious no matter what the circumstances,Im so glad I came across you on facebook & would be honoured someday to meet you & your beautiful family xoxo Lisa Murphy ,your fello heart mammy xoxox

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    1. Thank you Lisa, I am happy we have 'met' too! Adam is a super-hero xxx

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  3. Beautiful. Thank you for sharing this.

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  4. What a beautiful story- Thank you

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  5. This just brought tears to my eyes. I am so sorry that you experienced this lost. This story should be plastered on a billboard, it is just so moving. Thank you for sharing this story with us.

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    1. Thank you Eve, it is a lovely story and I do wish more people could just see how miraculous and deserving of love these short lives are. We all looked like that once. Jen x

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  6. Words cannot express how much this post moved me. Life is such a precious gift, and you got to witness it at its most vulnerable state. Thank you for sharing... I will be thinking about this for a while.

    Blessings,
    Maria

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    1. Thank you Maria, life IS so precious and it is really at certain times that fact is made all the more real to us.
      Jen x

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  7. Hi Jennifer. I remember that little baby so well, even though I arrived some hours later. There was such perfection at such a young age. It is really moving post, and deserves all the attention it is receiving, and more. Breda

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    1. Thank you Breda, and I seem to remember a lovely newspaper article about this little baby thirteen years ago...

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  8. Thank you so much for telling this story. I, too, have lost early on, twice at 14 weeks, once at 9, once at 5 and my latest child at 11 weeks. His amniotic sac had already ruptured and when I delievered him I could clearly see his features much as you did. It was an experience that really moved me and gave me a sense of peace as I never got a chance to see my other babies. (I had to have D&E's because my body would not give them up). I, too, didn't know what to do with my little Keagan. I ended up getting a small wooden chest from the craft store and painting it with his name and words of love. He is buried in our memorial garden next to our house. It's so nice to know that there are others out there who get it and had the same response to that tiny beautiful life that didn't get to continue. God Bless you, your husband and your entire family.

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    1. Elizabeth, I am so sorry you have suffered so many heartbreaking losses, I have lost seven babies altogether, including twins which I had always wished for, and I know that no matter how 'expert' you become at it, it never, never gets any easier. This was the most developed of any of the babies and it really was a profound experience. Keagan and his siblings are truly special gifts and your best advocates in front of our loving Father God. J xx

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  9. Thank you for sharing your precious child with us all. What an impact he/she is already making! Blessings!

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    1. Thank you Hannah Rose, special little children making a very special impact J xx

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  10. Hello Jennifer
    I came across your lovely blog via The Irish Catholic's reprinting of this post and I'm so glad I found it. It is great to find an Irish mummy's blog too!
    Your description of this very personal time in your life is so moving and a powerful witness to the miracle that happens whenever a woman conceives: that, despite what some people like to believe, a unique little person is created.
    Thank you for this post and your sweet blog.
    Kee

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  11. Thanks Kee, I've had a little peep at 'Little Hare', it's lovely and I'm looking forward to your posts. This post seems to have captured people's hearts and has taken wings far beyond what I imagined it would, I guess it's something that touches so many families and marriages. Jxx

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  12. The Irish Catholic Newspaper published this post this week as a feature article. They just forwarded this e-mail to me:(I'm not putting in the person's name).

    Dear Editor,
    what a beautiful story on page 25 of I C March 1st. by Jennifer Kehoe, I sincerely hope it will touch the minds and hearts of a great number of people who read it. Partiularly in these times when the powers that be are trying every trick in their trade to have abortion legalized in our country.

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  13. Hello Jennifer
    I too came across your lovely blog via The Irish Catholic. I love your story even though it is sad but it also beautiful. I too lost a little baby many years ago whom I have never forgotten. Thank you for this post and for your whole blog. I am glad I found it.
    Peg

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  14. Dear Peg, thanks for posting that lovely comment. These little babies who live such short lives really leave their indelible mark on their mother's hearts. I'm glad you enjoy my blog, I love writing it :-) Jennifer.

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