Saturday, March 17, 2012

How To Be A Perfect Mother...Just Like ME..

Tomorrow is Mother's Day and in it's honour I've decided to pass on how you can be the perfect mother, just like me.  All you have to do is follow a few simple instructions.

Here Goes...

1.   Always Remember That You Have A Child.

It seems to go without saying. A Mother never forgets that person whom she has carried, given birth to, suckled and loved unto death....or does she?

Two of our children attend ballet classes.  The venue where the classes take place is in the next village to our town.  The village has grown out of proportion and unfortunately the infrastructure is a bit less than ideal so there is always traffic congestion at the time of the classes.  I have it cracked though, I bring along my favourite music to play in the car and value the the time on the road as a little mini-break from...well...everything else.

This is what I (am supposed to) do: Drop smaller girl to her class, go home, put on dinner, load up older child, collect her friend, drive back to the class, deposit two older girls, reload younger girl, drive home, check dinner, drive back, collect older girl...and so on...

This is what I did:  Dropped smaller girl to her class, went home, put on dinner, loaded up older child, collected her friend, drove back to the class, deposited two older girls, drove off, enjoyed the peace and quiet of the car, put on a funky CD, bopped while stuck in traffic, heard my phone ringing, decided not to answer as it's dangerous while driving, bopped a bit more, 20 minutes later while turning the last corner before my home, glanced into the rear-view mirror...and saw...NOBODY!!!!!!!!


20 minutes of being stuck in traffic later, my husband collected a distraught little girl from the frosty care of another Ballet Mom!!  

2.  If You Do Forget You Have A Child, Try Not To Do It TWICE!

Ok..picture the scene...A scenic tidal island in the West of Ireland.  Low tide in Mid August.  Beautiful day.  The local folk have organised a community sports day on the strand for the local children and holiday-makers.  We fit into both categories, being on holiday in the ancestral home, staying in the pre-famine cottage which was where the family lived.  Off we head to the beach to partake in the festivities.  Park near the ancient grave-yard on the island side and take the then two older children and the baby out of the car along with the day's picnic supplies.  Strap the 8 month old baby into her buggy.  Suddenly pick up the loud-hailer announcement that the four and under's race is about to start...I grab my two four and under tots and rush to the starting line, whereupon the older tot has a meltdown  finding herself unexpectedly in this strange situation..younger tot plods across the finish line in her too-big wellies, having absolutely no idea what she is doing.

Proud Mummy consoles older tot while congratulating younger tot on her medal and proceeds to unpack the picnic goodies.  Turns to offer a piece of finger-food to the Bab...y....


She rushes over to the parked car to find the poor little baby patiently sucking her thumb, strapped into the buggy staring at the car. 

Even if a mother forgets...I will never forget. (Isaiah 49:15)

I'm embarrassed to add that shortly afterwards I heard the announcement for the Mothers' race, I plonked the same baby into her carry-tot car seat and joined the starting line-up, leaving the baby in the vague care of my sisters to return a few minutes later to find that in my haste I had forgotten to strap her in and she had flumped forward, scudding her little face on the sand leaving a sore this day she is the most long-suffering of all our children.

3.  Encourage New Experiences.

Most of our children have been quite cautious by nature.  They generally required lots of parental encouragement and reassurance in order to try new things.  So the first time we brought them on a real 'holiday' I was anxious they should try as many new experiences as possible.  The camp-site we stayed on had a sweet water-park designed for families.  Our cautious children were reluctant to try out the water-slides even though they looked like a lot of fun.

(This is the actual one)

I reassured them they'd love it, the other children were doing it, I'd be there at the bottom...I'd catch them...

With that guarantee, the four eldest all agreed.  

Up they went and I positioned myself at the bottom, ready to rescue each child from their watery fate.

The first child positioned herself...and launched like a cannonball from a gun.

There was no way I could possibly catch her.

Before I could take a breath, there she was at the bottom of the water!!  I hauled the tearful and betrayed child to the surface and turned to spot the next child hurtle down the chute at great speed, then the next and the next...each one flying past my feeble arms straight to the bottom of the pool...

Oh Dear....

4.  Expose Children To The Natural World.

Another summer holiday in the West of Ireland.. It's another idyllic sunny day and the children are busy exploring the granite rock pools, nets  and buckets in hand. 

They sporadically return to their relaxing parents with buckets containing sea water and various sea treasures...shrimps, shells, seaweed....

And then I decided to join them and up the wow factor of their findings.  Finding a promising rock pool, I summon the children...all five at the time...and hoisting a large granite rock, I unearthed a large crab.

I emphasise, not a puny, typical rock-pool sized crab...a large crab.  Following my impressive and educational treatise on the habitat, lifestyle and diet of crabs, I had the sinking knowledge that the large rock was slipping out of my the children's horror, the heavy boulder crashed down onto the crab, shooting pieces of claw, shell and...well...guts..out every side.

Oh Dear.

5.  Follow Through On Your Promises.

This Cake:

Has been promised to 

Little Girl #1,

Little Girl #2,

Little Girl #3,

Little Girl #4,

I don't think I'll even bother promising Little Girl #5 that I'll ever make it....


So that's how you can be the just about perfect Mother.

Happy Mother's Day.


  1. Hilarious, yet familiar. A simple solution has ended misplacing our own children. We count to nine, twice. Yes, I suppose at some point in the future we may leave one of our own behind, but we are assured to have the right number of kids. I guess we need to be careful with the counting system too!

    1. Ha Mike, I have resorted to counting from time to time, I may end up with some cousins who look a bit similar to ours!!

  2. A mother with a sense of humor who doesn't take things too seriously! I love it!! Thank you for sharing! Happy Mother's Day!

    1. Thanks Leanne, I never really got over the crab incident though :-)

  3. Mine is grown and so these days I just have to remember myself. So much easier. I was so thrown off by the Mothers Day reference. We do that in May. But, once upon a time I spent a semester in Brighton and I remember Mothering Sunday in England.

    1. I have a few American friends who live here who cash in by celebrating both Mother's days, and rightly so!! J

  4. The water slide reference cracked me up. We have an indoor water park nearby that my oldest son went to for a birthday party. He wanted nothing to do with any of the large slides but I pretty much forced him up the steps, tears in his eyes and shoved him down in a big tube with a few of his friends. Encouraging new experiences right? It had nothing to do with the fact that I really wanted to go down the big slides myself. Thankfully, my selfishness paid off because, just like I insisted, he loved it and enjoyed the rest of the party with his friends. And I was free to hit the big slides and the hot tub. But he had so much fun now the other kids want to go. I just have to remember not to promise anything I'll regret.

    1. Haha, I hope the hot-tub soaked away your guilt mrs!! The funny thing is the children will all fumble through in the end, they'll figure out you did your best even if your methods (&motives) may have left a bit to be desired!! You're right about making promises you regret..I promised the sun moon & stars to a child when she came in with a handful of teeth in her hand & covered in blood!! I felt so sorry for her but afterwards I knew I should have paused to think of what I was promising as I had to follow through!


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