50 Shades~Here's My Take

Please Be Aware This Post Has Adult Subject Matter.

Every time I click on the 'Publish' button on a blog post it's with a bit of a resigned feeling.

 "Well...that's it then.  That's everything I have to say."

And then a few days pass and something presents itself to me and I know that's my next post.  That's how this blog unfolds and I suppose that's how it'll continue, so believe me, every post is as much a surprise to me as it is to anybody else. So this post is not what I'd hope would come up.  As a matter of fact it's something I'd been deliberately avoiding like the plague.  Unfortunately it's niggling me and I can see it's not going to leave me alone until it's written.  Maybe this post will be the death knoll for my little blog, I sure hope not.  One way or another, not least for the sake of my own 5 little Missys,  I have to write what I'm going to write and I hope it comes out the way I want.  

Oh Sigh...Here I go...

50 Shades Of Grey...Here's my thoughts.

I haven't read the 50 Shades trilogy and I don't intend to.  However I have spent this summer studying reviews, blog posts, critiques and so on.  Now if you know me, you'll know I'm like a dog with a bone when it comes to something that captures my attention.  When I started my first tropical aquarium I became the world's expert on tropical fish, water quality, nitrites, nitrates and toxic ammonia.  (If you need any advice on fish ask me).  Same with this book...I have read literally hundreds of reviews and commentaries.  Now I know the washed out argument...how can you comment on something you haven't read?  Can a doctor advise a patient on an illness he doesn't have himself?  Can a Mother advise her child on youth culture of which she isn't part? Can I tell my toddler to stay away from the road if I haven't been knocked down myself? Of course I can.  I can and I will.

I'm not going to discuss the erotic depictions in these books apart from to ask one little question from anyone who has read them with either the intent or result of 'spicing' up their marriage.  Without a shadow of doubt, reading erotic and steamy literature, whether in the form of internet pornography or in the newly hatched and so sanitisedly named genre of fiction... 'mommy' porn, will surely get the heart pounding and desire will be heightened.  This is how our brains are wired, a physiological and emotional reaction to the impetus.  That's what eroticism is.  However, what does that do to develop and enhance the intimacy of marriage?

 Nothing. 

 I don't think any of us believes that the husband who has 'relations' with his wife after viewing pornography is making love to her or that his actions are an expression of the love, regard, respect, self-giving and physical attraction he has for her.  I think it's obvious that what's in his mind is not the woman beside him with a baby-tummy who has earlier shopped in Lidl and rummaged through cupboards putting away groceries. It's not the thirty-something woman who is starting to notice her fine lines and is struggling to keep up with her greying roots. Nor is it the woman he has seen a bit harassed earlier that day trying to help a child understand fractions and the need to hand in homework without ketchup stains on it.  

It's globally accepted that pornography de-personalises the marriage of those who view it and gives (men) a heightened and very unrealistic 'expectation' of sex.  For sure, what's in that man's mind and thoughts are the nameless, personality-less, responsibility-free girls whose bodies he has just visually abused and become aroused by and is now using the woman who is physically available by virtue of the coincidence that she happens to be his wife. Very unhealthy, for husband, for his marriage, for his wife's well-being. 

So Mommy Porn (what a marketing triumph), what's different about it? Not too much apart from the fact that it cleverly involves the emotions and psyche rather than the merely visual.  The covers of 50 Shades don't show a man's face...fill in the blanks yourself...anything you want it to be.  I remember when I watched the excellent 1980s dramatisation of Brideshead Revisited, even though it was exactly the same as the book, true to everything, the music, the setting...perfect, I was left just slightly deflated.  Why? Because the Sebastian of my imagination was just more beautiful than the actor who had the disadvantage of being a real person with a real person's physical imperfections.  Just like a real spouse.  My question to any girl who has read 50 Shades...was it your husband you shared that 'spice' with? Or was is just your husband who was physically present...and Christian Grey was the person in your mind? 

DON'T ANSWER THAT HERE!!!!

Just answer yourself.

If what I'm guessing is true, no marriage has been improved by these books.  When a third party is introduced, however fictional he may be....dangerous ground.

For some really lovely and eminently more intimate and bonding ideas to 'spice' it up, head over to Hallie Lord's blog Moxie Wife and this post.

Anyway, that's not what I want to focus on in this post.  There are millions of sexy and erotic and explicit novels on the market and as we know the statistics of internet pornography are just mind-boggling. My tuppence-ha'penny is not going to make an iota of difference to that.  What I really want to write about is the DANGER that is being romanticised by this story.  

OK, here's the setting...

A little boy is born to a dark-haired crack addict.

She neglects him including starvation.

He is beaten (and there is a suggestion of burned) by his mother's boyfriend.

He is subsequently adopted.

At the age of 15 he is effectively raped by his adoptive mother's best friend.

He starts an abusive affair with her (note he is below the American age of consent)

She introduces him to BDSM for her own gratification.

The affair lasts until he is 21 when her husband finds out.

He goes on to continue BDSM lifestyle by prowling clubs and bars to find or pay for 'submissives'.

He particularly seeks out dark haired girls who resemble his mother to 'punish'.

He enters into signed control contracts with 15 young women with the written specification that these relations are for the specific purpose of his sexual pleasure.

He makes changes to his apartment to include a Red Room of Pain.

He meets this total idiot young girl called Ana whom he desides is his next submissive.

She has a very limited vocabulary for someone who is supposed to be intelligent.

She is smitten by his 'hot' looks, money etc etc

She signs another of his contracts controlling every single aspect of her life.

He goes on to inflict on her what can only be described as savagery.

For some strange reason she thinks this is great.

Apart from the Red Room, they don't get on well...arguments and shouting.

This continues for three books.

The author earns $5,000,000 and counting.

Ana thinks she can 'heal' him (heard that one before eh?)

She tries to leave, he emotionally blackmails her to return.

The beatings (& I'm not even going to describe what else, just very very abusive behaviour) in the very strange disguise of romance continue.

She mistakes this for love and MARRIES this man.

More so called 'romance' (read beatings, sexual abuse, emotional manipulation)

She becomes pregnant and fears for her safety when her loving husband discovers.

Wonders should she have an abortion to protect herself.

Baby is born.

Christian Grey suddenly becomes a well-adjusted loving husband and father.

Albeit with continued...oh I forgot...all this time...consensual...abusive sex and beatings.

That makes it all right so.

Film contract is signed. ($$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$)

Women buy the books by the million and think that Mr Grey is the perfect man.  

Women with good husbands wish their husband was like Mr Grey.

 (spotted on Pinterest)

My 16 year old returns to school after the summer break...

Seems in teenage classrooms 50 Shades is the new Twilight.

It's very easily available, just look under your Mom's pillow,

Or walk into the local bookshop with the impressive display

'This Bookshop(name) Recommends'

There's no age rating on books so anyone can buy it.

Or get it on your Kindle...click, click, click.

OH!! I forgot to mention the 50 Shades trilogy is modelled and marketed on the back of  the Twilight trilogy.

Emmm...Twilight is aimed at teenagers.

Here's what I think of Mr Grey...

RUN AWAY!!!!!

AS FAST AS YOU CAN!!!

I can see absolutely nothing attractive, romantic or desirable about this very damaged man.  I think the message is utterly dangerous and irresponsible of this (now very wealthy) author.  How many young women have entered into dangerous relationships thinking they are going to 'save' or 'fix' their man?  J is a doctor who sees the dark side of life more than most of us.  Believe me, there is nothing 'hot' about violence and emotional abuse. The happy family depicted at the end of this series is about as unrealistic an ending as one could imagine.  What is far more likely is that this girl Ana will be found dead one of these days.  This is a book about abuse, not romance, most certainly not love. Love does not beat, and take pleasure in the other's pain and tears.  Love does not ask someone to sign away their freedom.  Even if you consent to your loss of freedom, it makes no difference, you're not free.  

Love does not own or take or dominate or manipulate.

I am very worried about the message young girls are going to take from this series.  That YOU can cure a damaged man by doing what he wants.  A very very dangerous message.  Very dangerous.

The introduction of babies into this dysfunctional marriage is inviting trouble.  Mr Grey to the best of my knowledge has had no professional help in dealing with his childhood abuse. His wife is immature and 'submissive' and thinks this is just fine.  She was afraid to tell him she was even pregnant!  His way of displaying 'love' is physical and emotional violence.  Those babies aren't born into a secure happy environment, they are high risk.

How's this for a line from the book for a married couple to say about their unborn daughter?

"I think she likes sex already!"

Enough said about that I think, speaks, or rather SHOUTS volumes.

And remember, brace yourself for the avalanche of copy-cat writers hoping to cash in on the newly discovered 'Mommy-Porn' market.

This week the director of a charity who helps victims of domestic abuse asked people to drop in copies of 50 Shades that they can use for their bonfire.  She is being sniggered at, compared to Hitler, told she's in the Dark Ages and so on.  Now perhaps burning books is a bit dramatic and leaves one open to these accusations.  Then again, the internet is a noisy place and sometimes you have to shout loud to be heard above the din (of acclaim for 50 Shades and Christian Grey).  Maybe that's how she could draw attention to the fact that her local library is stocking 20 copies of each of these books, that's 60 books, in one library, bought by the government, while they can barely squeeze a penny from the government to help the real women suffering from abusive relationships.  In fact their budget has been sliced. I'm not surprised they felt driven to a dramatic stunt to get their concerns heard. 

Mr Grey is not real, but if he was real he would be a sinister, creepy, predatory and dangerous man.
If Ana was my daughter I would be very very worried.

And please don't teach your sons that Christian Grey is someone to be emulated.  Not if you love your son and you want him to have a happy, healthy, loving family life.  Not if you don't want him to leave a trail of emotional and physical destruction in his wake.  Teach him self-giving love.  Teach him respect, gentleness and a spirit of service.  Teach him to love and protect with his body, not use and harm.  Teach him to be master of himself, not master of those weaker than him.

And teach your daughters to expect nothing less than somebody noble like her brother.

Be free to leave comments on this post, but please know that online nastiness really upsets me, especially if it's aimed at me.

(So just to pre-empt...FYI:  I don't live in the Dark Ages, I have a life thanks, no I'm not a prude, uptight, repressed or anything like that and I'm already 'with it' so I don't need to get there.)

In fact, maybe I should turn comment moderation back on.